what's going on.. hey hey hey

Hmm. I had so much I wanted to write about. And now that I'm here and ready/able to do it my mind draws blank.

I've had a lot going on with my house. Ever since we've moved into this new place it's been nothing but caos. Our electric is still not running right, only 1/2 the house works. We've been here 2 months now! Both our tv's got fried, a microwave, fridge exc. They said the fixed the prob last week or two weeks ago. Don't know ya know my roommy bought a new tv, we walked in on halloween to get ready and it was on fire. No flames yet, but tonsssssssssss of smoke!!!!!! I felt like i was at a club w/ a fog machine right in my face. What if we hadn't been home while it happened?


On to a more positive note: You know my dream was to come down here, go to school, not have to work, but pay attention to school. At the very least, just get financial aid for school. For the past year now, it's been nothing but hectic. Going round and round and round with them! I have to admit I was getting very frustrated. well, July they told me I owed them 600 bucks for going to school the 2weeks they told me to!! I spoke with the financial director (head guy) 2 x's and he's helped me out tremendously. $200 is coming out of my loans and the rest of the money they are giving me a "scholarship" for!!!" With that being said, i go to school in january!!

I wanted to go part time, but being that I'll have to be waiting on cat, i might as well take classes to fill the time. I was going to to history, social problems, envi science and ceramics. Cat and I were doing ceramics together, but I couldn't get in the class :(. So I filled that, unwantingly with math. I wasn't wanting to take that many core classes, but also gatta do what I gatta do. Cat decided the other day just to check to see if any openings became available. There was one, and I got it!!! Yayayayaya!! thank YOU Lord.

I haven't been going to church since I've been down here and it's taking a toll on me. Either I'm working, we're tired, or don't have the gas.... exc exc exc. But I was lucky to work only till 5 yesturday. Marsella's church service is in the evening and s.s. in the morning. So I went with her last nite. It's a spanish speaking church, but I love it. I've been to s.s. there once as well. I know some spanish . And Spanish has always been a passion. I was going to take it this semester, but it didn't work into my schedule. Marsella's said she's ganna hook me up with a mexican guy. Lol!

So that's what's been going on in my life. Shoot me an e-mail and tell me what's going on with yours

Growing Up :) .............

For a long time I've been saying that I don't act my age and that I need to mature. I've deffinatly noticed that in myself these past few months of me being here. While I was home and lived w/ my two roommates, I was more indipendant.But I always had mom there to give me money if I was short, buy me groceries, exc. She was there for me when I needed her to be. I'd stop by and she'd do whatever she could. Down here I have had to be much more indipendant. I can't say how excited I am about this!! I never thought this would come, but He IS leading me!! PTL

"Goin' Mental...."

A year ago this July/August I was going through the hardest time of my life. I made some very bad decisions to start drinking again (knowing what that does to me.) And from there doing two other drugs as well. I went from doing "ok" and two weeks later my life turned upside down, due mostly to those bad decisions that I made two weeks in a row. I never saw myself as being someone who would end up in the psych ward of a hospital. But there I was sitting in the E.R. very suicidal and they addmited me. I was in there for 5 days and then in partial hospitalization for 2 1/2 weeks. 3 1/2 weeks of deep treatment. That's a month of my life going through something that was confusing, frustrating, draining.

It was then that I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I was upset when I got the diagnosis, but I knew it was accurate. I also was glad to finally have the right diagnosis.

This past year has been a self-seeking one. Finding out who I am (not who my disease makes me.) and how to make it through this. They say it takes atleast 2 years-ish to get meds straight that work for you. I am very confidant in where my meds are now. The Dr. asked me if i wanted to up my meds and I told him no. I don't to take more than I need. I want to be a human being, not walking around like a zombi.

Well, on a completely different note: Work is going well. Starting tomorrow I'm learning how to open the store. I have to be in at 6 am. thank God I live right next door. If I become more of an opener, I'm hoping to get a raise. We'll see when the time comes.

Anyway, I work 5-10 tonight and then 6a-2 tomorrow. It's 3:45 so nap time.

mY ministry... if only a little one!!

If only a bit of a ministry, I'm so glad to have this lil bit to hang on to. I've mentioned several times about how I see the same regular customers over and over. It is often a blessing!! You get to know them, and they you.

There's a guy who comes in who reminds me of my dad. My dad and I never had a good relationship. So I don't have great memories there. IDK why this guy reminds me of him, and in a good way. He's normally very quite, and not moody, but not nice. We were talking the other day and I asked how he was and mentioned that I hadn't seen him in a lil while. He told me he'd been in the hospital for kidney failure and is now on dialysis 3 days a week. By the time I rang him out, I told Him I'd be praying for him, and he said thank you. But When he was leaving he said "By the way, my name is michael." Each day when I see him I ask how he's doing. The other day we were 1/2 through his sandwhich and he said "I think your prayers have been helping." I have been praying for him since the night I told him I would. God is good. He is gracious, understanding, and gives us what we need.

There are other customers that I have genuinly been able to say I'd pray for them as well. I have to admit I have a hard time praying for myself regularly. And other things around me. But I've really enjoyed being able to pray for others.

It makes me think of the ministry I want to start some day. I don't quite know what that's going to look like, but I like that God's allowing my heart feel like He's using me :)

please PRAY!!! been really sick

In my last post I wrote about how I'd been really sick, coming home from PA. It was AWEFULL!!! Well, the past 3-4 days I've been struggling w/ a migrain. They've been reallllllly bad the past few months. The head ache part goes away for a while, but the nausia and vomiting part sticks around longer. I'm having a hard time keeping food down. So I have been trying to live off of gatorade. I'm kind of worried b/c it's not really healthy.

Besides all that, it's been realllly hot out. And that just doesn't help.

How'd it going? Being home that is.

Yes, Yes I was home just a few weeks ago. It was a trip I'd anticipated for weeks on end. I was sooo excited to leave my dull mundane life here to go back to my busy hi paced one back home.

As soon as I got home, straight from the airport Andrew and I were off to meet up with friends who were camping. It was a 3 hour drive. Anyway, the next day, before traveling home, Andrew and I went on a trail to see waterfalls that were there. It was like a 7 mile hike and we did it in 2 1/2 hours. Let me tell you, my legs were sore the next four days!!

My good good good friend, Devon, got married. She was absolutly georgous!!! That was the main point of me coming home. I promised her that when I moved.

I had expectations when I left here. I thought I'd be spending a lot of times with some friends. And knew I'd see other friends at the wedding and such. Turns out that the friends I was expecting to see more (since they were my close friends before i left) are the ones i saw the least of. And the ones who I've known forever but don't get to see much are the ones I really was able to get some time in with. I deffinatly came home feeling very confused. But was blessed by reconnecting with some.

I was traveling back home to TX on Tuesday. I was planning to spend last minute time with friends ans such on Sunday and Monday. But Sunday I started feeling a bit sick, and monday worse. I did some errands and then took a nap till 7pm and made myself get up to do some packing. Tuesday sicker than Monday. I vomited several times throughout the days. (I held the plane up at one point b/c they couldn't taxi in w/ me being in the bathroom.) I had a 3 hour lay over in Houston TX. I was so sick to my stomach (and had sooo much pain in my back as well, that i almost decided to go to the E.R. and was ganna pay someone from down here to come pick me up. With a LOTTTT of prayer I made it home. But the next day I went to the E.R. here. They didn't know what it was from, and thought I just had a virus. But it wasn't anything serious such as gull bladder, kidney, exc.

I had to take several days off of work. That was hard b/c I already had a week of no pay, due to being home. And then the following week due to taking off, I'd only have like a 2 day pay. It's been a bit rough trying to catch back up. But God provides.

the good with the bad

Today was one of those days. Just having stressers here and there. I had one of my psychiatrist apts today. Oh yay. I don't mind going to them, but it's one of those things where you're there for like 2 hours+ literally. The Dr. pretty much kept my meds the same, but tweaked some meds. And instead of taking them 2 x's a day, i'll be taking them 1 x. I'm very excited about this. BUT

My insurance from back home runs out this month. Just found out today. The place I went to today can give meds. But you need financial info. I had pay stubs, but they need income tax forms. I made more money last year, and am fearing that I won't be able to get the meds. I'm VERY worried about this, and REALLY need to give it to God!!

IDK if I wrote about this yesturday or not, so i'ma write again. I was having a really rough day yesturday. I was in tears over nothing. Just sad and down. I had to step aside for a while and let myself go in the back and cry. I even called mom up just to talk. Well, later a customer came who in was with her mom. She was a higher functioning girl who had mental retardation. She knew exactly what she wanted. It was cute. She said something, and I couldn't hear what she said. So I had her repeat it. She told me I was very pretty. I took their order all the way down to the cash register. It was def. what I needed yesturday. God gave me a little blessing that I didn't deserve.

it's nearly 12am, which means 4 days till I arrive home. I have so many emotions that are going through me. Excitement, relief, nervousness, anxiety. Oh how the list could go on, I'm sure.

ok. Much love. See you soon if you're around when I'm around

eight days

Welp, it's officially Eight Days till I come home. Oh how there is sooo many emotions running inside of me. I honestly can't wait. Like every ounce of me is counting down. Not that I hate it here or want to leave, but I want to be home for a while. I def. have been able to see how much I miss back home. And how much of a great life I had home. I was talking to a co-worker today and started getting teary eyed. Life's not aweful here. But it's not anything like back home. I miss all my friends terribly. And not having a car does not help the situation at all. the phrase "you don't know what you have till it's gone" holds a lot of truth in my life.

I started going to councling last week. I go once a week and I'm totally stoked!!! I'm already getting a lot out of it. He's starting at the core of who I am and what's inside of me, and moving outward. I'm already seeing benefits from this.

Today I cut my leg up. the end of my bed hangs out n i tripped over it. i got about a 5 inch long scrape. Ya that's not fun. Krystal Dr'd me up though :)

Tomorrow is like most Fridays for me. I work 2 shifts. 10a-1pm then 5p-10p. I don't usually mind. Sometimes it makes for a long day. But i normally get to come home and nap in between. I had a migrain that last over a week with both the head part and the stomach part so I missed out on some hours this week. That was a bummer. But life happens.

welp, it's time for bed now. i'ma get tanner up here and we're off to sleep. See you soon! much love!

the news is in

I had my appointment with the psych. today. It was about 1 1/2 hours long. He had to re-evaluate me. So I'm still diagnosed as being bipolar... but rapid cycling one. Which means instead of cycling from manic to depressed mood 3-4 times a year, I do it very often! (i've been averaging about once a month.) I also found out that with this one, it only get's worse later on in life. I almost cried when he told me that. It was almost like how I felt when I was first diagnosed bipolar. I think I was devastated. Meds might work. He added a new med to my regiment.(i think that's the word i'm looking for.) How rapid cycling goes, is you go from manic right to depressed. This new med will hopefully work on me being less manic, which in essence should add less depression. (hopefully this technique works!) (not guaranteed.)

The Dr. was very impressed with the fact that I studied up on my disorder! He gave me info that he has to but said "you probably already know all this." He asked how much schooling I had, and when I said "some college" He's like "I thought so. I would have been surprised if you hadn't gone to college at all." He said I know my disorder well and that most people didn't. And b/c of that, it's often hard to really diagnose someone.

So that's the fyi on today's events. My new meds that i take at nite are making me quite tired. I'm about to fall asleep. So I should head to bed. I've been having to take my sleeping pills each night, but apparantly not tonight. (and maybe not at all anymore?.)

long awaited update

it's been a lil while again. I've had so much going on that i just couldn't blog.

Praise: I'm getting my 3 month raise (a lil early even!!!) They normally give 25 cents. My boss tried to get me more, but couldn't. it's all good though :) I'm still lovin' the job. I'm much quicker now,and doing much better. Even if my boss or anyone doesn't see how much i've stepped up my game, I know I have, and that makes me happy!!

My bipolar's been acting up on and off since being here. They have something called MHMR. (mental health, mental retardation) they help those two type of ppl. If you don't have insurance, it doesn't matter. And it's pro rated on what you make. I've had one apointment go thru. I went to one but my case worker wasn't there. Went to another one and the wait was hours so i left. And finally on Friday met my case worker! She's reallllly nice. Her job there is to be the middle man. She's my go-to person. I like her a lot. This wednesday I'll finally have my first Psychiatrist apt down here! It's a 1 1/2 hour apt though!! He has to re-evaluate me. I'm hoping/ praying that he changes my meds. B/c these just haven't been helping the last few months. It can (and normally does) take a few years, to get on meds that actually work for you. I'm not looking forward to this process at ALL. :( in fact, it's a very dark, deep scary process. This past week, i've been a monster. Bad mood swings, just not a good person to be around. ( i didn't want to be around myself (literally!!) let alone anyone else having to put up with me.)

Things are going great with my new roommate. Living pay check to pay check. But hey, we make it by. :) We also have a new addition to our house. A lil puppy named tanner. He's a long haired chiuaua. (chiwawa) idk how to spell it, so i like the latter version!

things are well with Andrew and I. Our 3 months is coming up next week. Ya'll will get to meet him when I'm home.

I think that's the gist of everything right now. Hope ya'll are doing well. I miss you guys a lot. That's been something that's been deep on my heart lately... Is missing my friends back home.

down fall of life right now

Our trailer park just got a new maintenance man. He and his (something?) just moved into the office house. He's told us at subway both it's his wife and mom. She's older. I have no idea what she is to him. He's a little freaky. I was home alone the other day while he was working on our bathroom. He did several things that freaked me out... including pulling my tank top aside to see my tattoo, sticking around and talking to me each time he walked by (again, no doors or barriers in the "hallway" of our house. I got so freaked out that i went over to work to hang out for a while. (we're not suposed to hang out there while not on shift... but i told my manager about the situation and she said she'd have done the same thing.)

So everyone down here (and i pretty much mean EVERYONE) drinks and smokes weed. I have to say that with my past, it gets a bit hard and tempting. Especially with alcohol. I so badly want to be able to just have a drink sometimes. But I know that for me, it's one drink that starts it. Even a sip would be crucial.

BUT on a good note. I'm staying strong! And everything else is great right now!!

family ties

Today Grandma asked me over for supper. :) that was so sweet of her. I enjoyed getting to know her while i was here. i also came in w/ a handfull of laundry in hand. I aksed if i could do a small load and pay her a few bucks. (it's so hard not havin a washin machine, and only having minimal work clothes.) So allowed me to wash them and wouldn't take anything. I'm here hangning out right now. Cant and i went to walmart for some groceries. Now we're here at her place just chillen, waiting for supper. it's nice coming just to hang out. it's a home away from home.

P.O.D.

Every day Andrew and I ask each other what our "Pod" is. (Praise of the Day.) It makes us think out side of the box, and about those little things in life that God blesses us with each day, not just the big obvious ones.

So here's mine for today. When I thought of Texas, I think of square dances, ho downs, yadda yadda. Well there was a county fair this weekend. You pay $5 to get in, and they give you a rist band which gets you in all weekend. We went last nite to see Flyleaf play and then went again today.

I have such a child like heart. I get joy out of the little things in life. I know it gets annoying, but I don't care toooo much. There was a petting zoo (and i love animals) so i was watching. And inside in a pen was two kangaroos!!! Oh how i laughed and watched. I was just like a 4 year old. I never saw one up close like that before.

Then we were walking the fair part tonight. And there was a booth that i fell in love with!! It was one of those little monkeys that walks around, and grabs quarters from you!! he was wearing a lil suite and put the money in his pocket!!! Ohh how i enjoyed that! i could've watched for hours!!!!

Thank YOU God for the little blessings you give us. Both those noticed and those we don't even take the time to see......

it's been a while

So everyone's been telling me how long it's been since I've posted. I didn't realize how many people followed this. Which is awesome!! I'm glad people keep up with my life. But I'd also like to know people are keeping up with ME as a person, not just what's going on and what I put in here.

It's been a while. My computer got a stinkin virus and was out of order for about 3 weeks. But now i'm up and running again, virus free! So hopefully I'll stay away from those bugs and keep this thing in good health. I didn't know what to do w/o it.

Not too much to post about I guess. The biggest thing is I was in the Emergency Room Easter night. I was prepping jalepenios around 8pm and the juice flew on my arm. I began itching everywehre and getting red blotches on me. I took some benedryl. I knew I was having an allergic reaction. By the time we closed at 10, my throat began closing and breathing was harder. Here, the juice burnt my skin and then the reaction came about. I've eaten something w/ LOADS of jalepenios in it twice and was VERY sick to my stomach. Now makes sence that I'm allergic. Lots of stuff down here has it in there though, like salsa. I think if i eat it in small increments I'm ok. But i'm not sure lol. Grrr. And down here, people put jalepenios in EVERY thing. Go figure that's what I'm allergic to.

I can't wait to go home in June for Devon's wedding!! And it will be great to see Andrew and hang out with him!!! I also look forward to seeing everyone else as well. I can't wait to bring Drew around to all my circles and have everyone meet.

I'm hungry right this minute. We don't have an oven/stove or a real fridge yet (we have a mini fridge right now.) We've been eating quite a lot of sandwiches. We want to get a hot plate and some pans, then we can cook on them. But we've had to get a lot of diff things, and don't really have the money to do all that. There's a song out there where a line says "living on dreams and spaghetti o's". that's us right now. But we're not complaining. We like our lives like this so far. Gatta start somewhere

the excitement begins

In one week I'll be living in my own place. I can't wait for Krystal and I to move in together! WE are both stoked beyond belief. It will be so nice to have our own place, and move in at the same time. It's not ganna be my house. And it's not going to be her house. It is OUR home!! We can decorate together!! At first it's going to be quite ghetto. But as time goes on, we will be able to pimp it out. It stinks that we don't have a oven/stove. But we'll get a crock pot (hopefully) and we have a toaster oven, george forman. Praise God!! There is a lot we need. And a lot to do. A lot of money. So pennies will definantly be pinched at first. And with this virus on my computer needing fixed, that doesn't help either.

It stinks b/c I need my computer. That's my life line between Andrew and I. But it may take a while before I can fix that! Anyone have an extra computer!!! :) Drew and I celebrated our one month last week. It's been amazing getting to know him. And seeing how God brought us together.

It's hard to love

The past week or two I've had a lot on my mind. Thinking about "friendships" (or what I thought were friendships.) and people in my life and from my past. Something keeps playing over and over again. I can't say how much pain comes from being walked away from. And this leaves me scared that Andrew will one day do the same.

I was doing my devotion the other day. And read this
1 John 4:7-12

7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[a] into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for[b] our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.


no matter how much hurt I've had, or pain i"ve been through, I must love. And I have to say that is very hard for me to do sometimes. But I realize how important it is. I am going to work on it (with God's help.) And hopefully I can have a pure heart someday! One with love...

Who I am. My ministry in Life.

The past few days or so (even extendedly over the past year)about who I am, in Christ. And trying to "figure out" who He made me to be. I kept wanting to "find out" what He made me for. Well, over the past year or so I've realized I want to start my own ministry someday for hurting people.

Now let me share the gifts Gods given me.
~The ability to be open and honest and share everything from my heart.
~ My compassion and love for people!! (i love so deeply!)
~ Hmm, I put this under the compassion title as well, but I feel people's hurts and needs. Not like most people. I literally feel it myself. My heart bursts for them. All I can do is pray. Sometimes I literally have the ability to feel their pain (like if someone has a headache I can feel it sometimes.)

A year ago a friend encouraged me to look into my name and it's meaning. Telling me how it's biblical to know my name, b/c my name tells of my identity. Well, Christina is "Christ like/ Christ follower" Hope, we all know what Hope means. That's a pretty strong name I carry. Along with this, I've felt many times, very close to God. Like He shows me things He doesn't do for others.

Along with my wanting to start my own ministry someday, I've also had prison ministry on my heart. And now that I've started it down here too, and been in. I so how much I love them, have compassion for them, and love ministering.

I feel like I don't know quite get how to use the gifts he's given me. I've gotten into a lot of trouble and hurt w/ some of them (b/c the can also be my greatest weaknesses.) But what i realized tonight is that once I LEARN how to use them for HIM. and hone in on them, that all together, I can be an awesome, powerful person for HIM!! And that He can and will do a lot through me, if i allow Him, and use those gifts for Him and not me!!! Oh how i wish i could express this great feeling i have inside me right now..

God's answers

The past few days I've really been praying about what God wants me to do. I feel like I've got some answers. Krystal, Cat, and I were all talking about moving in together. Cat may not be able to. So Krystal and I are looking into this one bedroom trailer right behind work. We will prolly move in in a few weeks. But we'd have to buy a fridge, and oven/stove, and I'd need a bed. So i'm a lil "ahhh" about that. But the amount i pay for rent here at Cats, it's gana be just a bit more than that at this new place.

I'm going to start getting trained on how to Open the store. Woohoo. That's big responsibility!

When I went to Word of Life, my best friend had to leave to go to jail for something he did a year before hand. I was devastated. I also worked at Liberty Thrift, which was a ministry for ppl. who just got out of jail. Prison ministry has been on my heart for 4 years now. And I also spent the 7 months in Alabama doing prison ministry. A guy at C.R. told me about a prison ministry down here. I went in last nite! The girls are sooo sweet. They walk up and shake hands, give hugs. We do C.R. in there. They break up into small groups after worship and the message is given. I can go in 3 times on the guest list. In order to go in all the time, I have to fill out and send in paper work. Then a month or so later get it back, and then go to a 4 hour trianing that they have around here every other month. I can't wait!! I don't know if God brought me down here FOR this, or is just allowing THIS to be something He's giving me. But it's incredible being part of a ministry where you can give of yourself! And when you have a passion for it, it's better yet

What to do

The past few weeks I've been thinking about my life here in Texas. Trying to be realistic about the situation. I'm working about 30 some hours each week. I put some money back each week for savings. I don' think I'm ganna have enough saved anytime soon to move out. And if by June, I can move into the Temple College housing, but i'll have to be scheduled for atleast 3 classes. And that's 300 a month + utilities. So i'd have to be working and going to classes. I don't know if i'd be able to work enough hours to make enough.

I'm praying about what God wants me to do. Stay here or go home. I'm ganna try and give it till june and if by then i'm not in my own place, or have money to get into my own place, I'm going to come home for good when I come for Devon's wedding.

Praise Him, oh Praise Him

When I was in Alabama, I used to ask my teammates almost every day, what their Praise of the day was. It could be ANY thing. "I pulled out matching socks from my drawer" exc. Now, I ask Andrew that every time we talk. Today, I have several of them.

I'll save the best for the last. So yesturday I had one of my dreams fulfilled! I went on a motorcyle ride! We just went around the block, and very slow, but it was great!! One dream down! Now I have to ride a ski doo, and milk, a cow!

Since a friend of mine from Word of Life went to jail, and I worked for Liberty thrift and ministries (a 1/2 way house out of prison.) I had a passion for prison ministry. I realized how important it is! Christians in jail and have it rough. Anyway, starting thursday I'm going to be doing womans prison ministry down here! I can't wait, I'm sooo excited!

While I was down in Alabama, there was a couple that came down for a few months to help out. They were from back home, near me. When I went home, I starting going to Franconia church, and they went there as well. We continued our friendship. I call them aunt and uncle. Anyway, they were coming down to Texas and decided to stop in to see me!! They came and took Cat and I to supper last nite. It was so wonderful seeing them!

Tonight I had an amazing phone call from mom. I have a cousin who lives in Maryland. He's a few years younger than I. He and his dad are big crack addicts. Both living on the streets, in and out of shelters. I'm talking about major addictions. He's in jail again. His mom, and her brother went to visit him. He came in w/ a Bible and started reading them scripture!! He got saved and is now "catholic." Not exactly ideal, BUT it's a start! I'm going to write him and share more w/ him!!!!!!! I was so excited to hear about this, that I started crying. Not just a tear, but full out crying. Praise God for His miracles!

i'm a working woman

I was scheduled 25-ish hours this week. But i'm ending up with 41. Yay!!!! BUT i won't get extra hours like that all the time. So i'ma guess i'll have close to 25 next week. A lot of those hours I got were due to working split shifts. Today 10-2 then 4-10. Yesturday too. My feet haven't been hurting anymore, but they sure hurt tonight lol.

i'm "patiently" waiting for aunt esther and uncle howie to come!! i have NO idea when it's ganna be. it could be tomorrow? it could be who knows. but i can hardly contain myself! :)

it catches up with you

My older cousin and I have been messaging on facebook w/ each other today. I've done a LOT wrong, and have hurt her. Stuff from my past is being brought up. I needed to hear it. But at the same time, I dwell on what ppl. tell me, instead of letting it go. So now I'm in this mood where I just want to retrieve and be by myself.

she also asked why i move all over and don't stay in one place. she says she wants me to stay in one place and that at some point of time my mom is going to need me there to help and take care of her.

I've been thinking about coming home. Not sure what's ganna happen. Ya I have a job and am enjoying it. But the reality of it all is, I'm not getting payed enough. Eventually I have to move out of Cat's place. If I go to school in the fall, I'm still going to have to work full time (which right now i'm only part) in order to pay for an apt. I'm just so confused.

Sick

This past week Cathlene got this crazy virus that's been going around. She got it on Saturday. And couldn't get up to go to work or school. She missed school all week and went to work finally on Thurs. She was in the house all week.

I have a low immune system and catch everything. I didn't catch this and was really excited!! until last nite right before I went to bed, I felt aweful. I woke up this morning knowing i caught what she had! I went to a bridal shower at a spa this morning. I just hung out, feeling eh. On the way home, Sharon took me to walmart so i could get some meds. (her husband is a pharmacist) so she knows her stuff. I loaded up on tons of meds. Hopefully if i take them regularly I'll be able to get over this thing a lot quicker.

I already have someone covering my shift tomorrow nite. B/c I know how aweful cat felt. Even w/ meds, I know I'm not ganna be over this by tomorrow. I hope I get better soon though!!

God's little blessings

Today I'm working a split shift. 10a-2p and then 5p-10p. It was almost 2 and my boss said I could leave early since I've been there last each day this week and i work a split shift tonight. I get in the car and the clock says 1. I almost changed it, but didn't want to mess w/ cat's car w/o asking her first. I get home and then my phone says 1 o clock as well! I thought it was going on 2 and it was only 1!!! So I had a little blessing of getting done an hour early. I would have been mad if i went to clock out and realized i had an hour left, lol!!! I was wondering why Jennifer said I could leave early. I'm like oh "woo hoo 10 mins early." lol!! surprise!!!!!!!!!!

Life's moving Forward

Things down here in Texas have been getting better. Atleast, I have a load off my back w/ having a job. I like it a lot. Surprisingly!! This week I have almost 30 hours. Yaaa. That's the most I'll get. So I'm excited about this.

C.R. is going great! Cat and I went to a picknick/ bonfire Saturday nite. It was great. I'm glad she could meet all my peeps. I sure do love them! They are like a big ol family.

We were supposed to go to a church called the "cowboy church" yesturday. But cat woke up really sick. A few of my C.R. ppl. go there. I look forward to getting to know them more!

I have a lot on my mind, and a lot to pray about. I ask you to pray w/ me, for unspoken prayer requests.

It's been great talking to Andrew and getting to know him. We started out on Aim, progressed to the phone, and now we're to skype. It's being being able to see someone as you talk to them! (If you have skype, look me up!!) I used to have to be in bed by 11pm!! OR I'd get crazy grumpy. But now w/ Andrew in my life, we stay up talking till... well let's just say pretty late.

I got to talk to L.P. and Beth on Skype today. It was great! So nice to hear their voices and to see them as well. They're two of my closest girls! How I miss them.

How it happened: Andrew and I

Many people have taken notice to the fact that I am now not listed as "single" but am dating Andrew. And of course everyone is curious to know the whens and how's of it all. So here is the story.

Andrew and I both went to Thrive (the Monday night young adult group i used to go to.) He ex girlfriend and I became friends through thrive. So Andrew and I would say our hi's and bye's. We never had an attraction towards each other. But we started talking on Facebook IM and hit off really easily. We don't have a lot in common, per se, BUT we mesh very well and we just "get" each other. We talked every night on aim until 1-2am. (I hate the phone and it took me a while to be able to call him.) But now we talk on the phone most nights as well. We shared our pasts, and aired out our closets. About everything. I didn't feel like it was right to talk to someone, with the intention of dating, and them not knowing what they're getting into. After that, we decided we wanted to make it official.

Yes, We are both fully aware that this is going to be a long distance thing. And we both talked/ communicated about that. I think that when all you have to do but talk to get to know each other, is a good thing.

seeing a site aka site seeing

Cat has a friend who used to work with her. She moved to San Antonio a few months ago. She's 8 months pregnant and had a baby shower on Sunday that we were invited to! We were going to leave at 6, but didn't end up getting up till almost 8am. We got here around 12, after doing a few errands first.

Since we were in S.A. we decided to visit the Alamo after the shower. We got there at 5:30 and they closed at 5:30 :( It was sad. But we got to see the outside of it and take a few picture!

I love the town!! it's a big shopping area with lots of cool stuff!! I'm in love w/ that town!! Right across the street from The Alamo is a ripleys believe it or not area. There are 3 different museaums. One is 20 bucks, all three 26. We went into all three. One of them was a haunted house. Some of it was stupid. Other parts had me flipping out and was scared senceless! Literally some of my biggest fears were realized there.

Oh, to top the night off, I talked to Andrew on the way home. It was the first time we talked on the phone.

It was such a great day!

Verses

I've been going to Celebrate recovery for the past month. I'ts been a great group! We have this booklet that we go through and answer questions. When we come together on Wednesdays, we share our answers. A couple verses that hit me more this week then ever before. I think it's b/c of what I"m going through in life w/ different ppl in my life. I beat myself up when things go wrong and always feel like "it's all my fault." But it's not all my fault. And I'm a person being hurt too.

from the booklet:
Stop the blame.
We cannot find peace and serenity if we continue to blame ourselves or others. Our secrets have isolated us from each other. They have prevented intimacy in all our relationships. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and fail to notice the plank in your own? How can you say to your brother, "let me get the speck out of your eye" when this is a plank in your own?... Take the plank out of your own eye first, and then you can see clearly enough to remove your brother's speck of dust" Matthew 7:3

working together and being accountable is of great importance. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." James 5:16

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED - To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

the week I've had

I started work at Subway last week. I like it so far. I'm still in training, learning how to make the sandwhhiches and how to prep things and such. One thing I love about subway is that their stuff is fresh!! Tomatoes cucumbers, tuna, all that stuff is fresh!

So I started talking to a guy from back home this week. We are just taking the time to get to know each other, but there is interest there on both of our parts.

It makes life interesting to say the least

a wind whirl of events...

Today I started work at Subway!! I was suposed to start at 10am but cat leaves for work at 7am so I had to go then. (this will be a normal occurance.) But since I have 24 hours worth of training to get in, Jennifer, my manager, started me at 8am, and I learned how to bake the bread! Now this was really exciting b/c when I went to school at Job Corps, my trade was baking! And I loved doing bread! It's easy here but sooo much fun! "Thank you God for the little gifts You give us (me!).

Tonight Cat and I went to the coffee shop. It's our usual hang out when we're not at home. There's a big storm coming in. Like I'm talking about tornado storm!! We left to get home, and on the way the wind was crazy!! the car was swaying back and forth and it was scary. Like 3 minutes before we got home, the storm came down! Hail and all! We jumped out of the car, when we got home, got our stuff out of the trunk and ran into the house. Dad was there with the door open for us! Praise God! We were soaked just from bing in it for less than 30 seconds!

Sunday Cat and I are driving to San Antonio!! For a baby shower! I'm excited!!!

new beginings

I filled out the background check on Friday for Subway. Whenever that gets back in I'll start all my other paper work, and start working. That should be tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm really excited about this.

ToRn!

The past few days have been absolutly hectic! Talk about stress. And just pure emptiness. It's hard being in a spot where you have NO idea what God wants. But as people have said God will take care of me no matter where I am. So even if I'm here and "not meant to be", He's not going to leave and forsake me.

Obviously I've been talking to ppl. lately about what's going. I talked to a good friend of mine for 2 hours last nite, then another good friend on line later. They both think it's a wise idea to go home. Their thinking: if this was meant to be for me to be here, it wouldn't be SO hard. (yes, God gives us trials, no doubt.) But this is one door after another closing. And then I think about the rental SUV. And if that was God warning me not to come b/c all this would happen.

I looked into plane tickets last nite. And found some great deals. I thought maybe someone who wouldn't mind could come and get me. But the ticket and sending my stuff home is still cheaper than the gas would be.

I decided to still fill out applications though. That way if I do stay here, I have a head start.

~~~~~~~
Side note!!!

Cathlene works at Subway right down the street. I've been trying to get a job there, but one they didn't want to hire me b/c I'm cat's friend. and 2 they don't need more night ppl, but day. I filled an application out last nite anyway. Cat JUST called and her boss said she'll hire me (now that i can work days.) if i can work sundays. (b/c too many ppl. there can't work sundays.) I said yes, IF it was in the afternoon, so i could still go to church.

what's going on

I met w/ one of the young adult leaders (carol) last nite and discussed my situation. We decided it'd be best to even drop my hisotry class as well. (b/c that's money I don't have.) And look for a job. Her and I came up w/ a bunch of good ideas. Today Cat and I went to temple (near collge) and I picked up close to 10? applications. Tonight I'm filling them out and making some phone calls to other places. (I have a good amount of resources right now!)


I was in the living w/ Cat's grandma today. She was like "so you'r financial aid didn't work out." I was like "No, now I'm just looking for a full time job."

Later in the day Cat and I went to lunch and get applications and grandma came. I told her I knew my month was almost up, but if she wouldn't mind me staying there until I get a job. I also told her I'd still pay her each week. She said that's not a problem. I told her It's been on my mind a lot and that I don't want to have no where to live. she said "as long as you know us you'll never be out on the streets." So that was a good conversation. My mind can be at rest about one more thing.

Decisions to be made

I had a long day today. One with more heart ache, and distress. My classes are $2000. How, IDK! but I can't afford that! So anyway I have to decide weather I'm coming home, staying here and finding a job/place to live. Drop all classes, keep some. I have decide about my classes by 6pm tom. So the preasure is on.

After talking to a good friend tonight this is the game plan we came up with. I'm going to keep my History class. B/c I took histoy 3 x's before and only passed the 3rd time due to loads of xtra credit. Go figure it's a history that doesn't transfer well. Being that I'm thinking I should pass this class, I"m ganna keep it. But drop the others.

I'm giving myself a month. In this month I will like ferverently for a job. (and then a place to live.) If I come up w/ nothing in that time slot, then I will procede home. That way it gives me some time to figure things out here and not just " throw in the towel". But also gives me a game plan.

more problems

Cat and I went on line to set up payment arrangements for this semester. NOW it's telling us my semester went from 700 to over 2000!! WHAT! So we have to go and talk to some ppl tomorrow. If that's the case, I'm so coming home!! Or finding a job and working. But I"m not going to stay there this sem. for that much money!

Monday I have my first text. It's in psychology. We're learning a lot of biology non sence right now. (but it's important.) Being that it's a rough chapter, it's open notes. There are a few charts in the book that she told us to copy. I don't think I'm ganna do great. But I"m hoping to do "ok". A LOT of studying this week! (that's if I get to stay in school. AS much as I want to quit and come home. I also want to stay this semester and stick it out. I know it's ganna be hard, but I think I can do it. And I want to see if I can.

Oh life...

Last week was a bad week for me. My bipolar was flarring up and just other things going on. Last night all I could think about was coming home for good at the end of the semester. But I feel like it'd be rough there too. I don't know if i'd be able to fit back in w/ my friends. It's been a month already of not much contact w/ them. If I could back, would it be able to "be the same?" I'm not sure.

Atleast I'd prolly have a job, and a car and a place to live. All things I don't have but need down here.

And I'm second guessing school right now. Why am I here. School is HARD for me! it will take me longer than 2 years to get an ass. degree. Once I get more into the Social work field, am I going to be able to handle the classes? I have a feeling not. So why am I even trying? Waisting my time?

~*Lonely*~

Back home I was always surrounded by a lot of people, activities and worked some nights.

I haven't really been in touch w/ many ppl. back home. And I spend a lot of time by myself here. I kinda feel like I'm letting home slip away. Like if/when I come back, I won't have anything left there. That thought scares me.

I feel empty and dry right now. And have so much going on. Add my bipolar attack to it all and it makes for an interesting situation.

Will it ever get better....

school

this week was a bad week for me all over. But even when it comes to school! I barly did any homework. Yesturday I broke down and started on my English homework. I wish all my homework and classes were as easy as English. The book is written to where it's easy to read, even for someone like me w/ learning dissabilities. Need to get more h/w done!!!

stuff... random stuff

Before I forget: something cute! So there's a bunny (maybe a few?) That live here in the trailer park! And I randomly see it hopping around some times!! I love it!

Tonight on my way to the C.R. meeting, Linda and I were talking. There are lots of squerpions (i hate them!!!!!!!!!!) around here. And dangerous snakes. Go figure. I dont like them either! I freaked out when I saw a garden snake at my house in Souderton!! (When I lived in AZ we had squerpions. We had to check our shoes and beds!!) I don't want that again!!! I'm freaked out.

So I had a really bad week. It's been crazy rough. But C.R. was great. I was able to talk about my struggles. I really like it there.

Cat, Garett(a friend of hers from work, who's become a good friend of mine too.) and I were going to go to IHOP after work. On our way there she felt that her tires were off so we went to put air in them. Well the tire popped!!! So we had to wait forever till someone could come change it. Well, not toooo long. But still. So there was a subway there at the gas station(closed) but w/ tables. So we bought stuff there and hung out. Sure beat IHOP. LOL!!

Life Hurts a lot

Ever had a friend walk out of your life w/ no explanation? And expect it to be ok? This hurts!! It's painful! Do you know what it does to someone as a person. No, as a human being!!!! To spit on them, walk all over them and that's that! That's ok! B/c you only think of YOU and what YOU want. How about thinking about the other person involved. Ther person left out in the rain w/o an umbrella. Atleast if you're ganna throw someone out in the rain, give them an umbrella!

So I say all this to say, Don't forget that your actions and words impact others. And even when it's easy to only think of yourself, remember other people's feelings, lives and hearts are incorporated into the situation.

This is how it went: (And BIG prayer request)

Cat and I went to the Christian club. It was nothing like what I expected,BUT it was still cool! So we go in and they have free lunch for us. A hot lunch! And the guy "in charge" just went around talking to everyone. (he did a short (3?) min devo before we got there. This is how it goes every week! People from diff. churches sign up to come and provide lunch for us, and he does his quick devo. No strings attatched. It doesn't give much of a chance to get to know people. But after I see people there a few times, I'll feel more comfortable to start talking to them. Maybe I'll try and make it a point next week.

~~~~~~~~~~
Change of subject: imortant

I'm going into a Manic episode of my bipolar. And I'm scared. This causes me to have urges to use. And do things I normally don't want to do. They are very strong. I had a bad day today. And feel aweful. Please pray through this WITH me. Mom got me some books on bipolar for Christmas. I'ma have to try and find them and see if they say anything about how to get through a manic cycle.

clubs

Most schools offer clubs as extra ciricular activities. So I was really looking forward to joining the christian club. (in hopes that they had one here!) Today kicks off the first one of this semester! And I'm totally stoked! it's nice b/c it's not during any of Cat or me's class'. And it's Right after her last class, so we don't have to wait around or anything. Very conveinient.(i butchered the spelling of that one!!)

On Friday nite Cat and I hung out w/ some young adults our age from a local church. It was great, and I felt like I was able to get plugged in a little bit. But I'm equally, if not more so, excited about the Christian club. It will be nice to meet some ppl. here on campus. It's a small campus so I'm expecting a small crowd. But none the less it will allow me to meet people! And not just people, but others who share my beliefs. Yaaa!!!!!! Can't wait to post about it later. Oh ya, and they're having lunch there today! Which means we don't have to buy lunch out, and i didn't have to pack it today! (we decided we're ganna try packing our lunch most of the time. I'm on a really smalllll budget and actually getting very nervous about my financial situation.)

have a great day!

slept late

Cat and I were both really excited about going to church today. The Sunday school ppl. we hung out w/, that class starts at 9am. She woke me up at 8:55 and said we're late. I had my alarm set. But unfortunatly I forget that it says "do you want it activated on the weekends" and I keep that on No. Grrr!!!

But church service starts at 10:30. So we're ganna go to that. Atleast we'll get to church. I'm excited to see what this church is like. It's a baptist church. I was at a couple back home, and they were hard core, and more on the traditional side of a lot of things.

friends

Cathlene's friend/coworker came to hang out w/ me a the coffee shop. She just got a birthday card for a friend. And it really touched my heart.

A Best Friend...
is there when you need someone,
but understands when you want to be alone.
Sees the bright side of a bad hair day.
Remembers when you met.
Notices when you lose five pounds
and gets excited about it...

A best friend...
knows your favorite song,
and what you like on your pizza.
Shares your favorite memories.
Appreciates your sence of humor (or lack there of.)
Is up for anything, and never lets you down.

You're the kind of person
who makes friendship
a lifelong adventure
I'm so glad we're friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It made me think.. What makes good friendships? Isn't it special when a friend knows you like onions and peperoni on your pizza? Or you think back on the time you sat at a coffee shop and poured your heart out? Or how about they know that you're sensitive, and that's ok!

What is real friendship to you? Is it someone you hang out w/ just to hang out? Or someone who really knows you?

I have to say, I stink at the friendship game. I always give way too much or way too little. Not many people know how to accept me right where I am.

Just for the record:
I like onions on my pizza
i love mexican food but w/o the hot sauce.
I love animals and dream of living on a ranch someday.
i am sentimental and have tons of "keep sakes" from special times.
I'm embarraced to do sports around other people (even walking.)
I love sunflowers and daphodils.
i want to get married in the rain
I enjoy being my own person and not conforming to the crowd.

Did You know those things about me?

Go me, it's my birthday, ya ya

Enligsh.

I was really hoping to take an English class this semester b/c I like that class. But I couldn't get into any. Until after the first day of school, i was able to get into an on line one!!! I'm a bit nervous about the on line thing, but I think I'm ganna do ok.

I went on the site and was looking around, and happened upon the fact that I had to take a test by Monday. It's one that you don't get graded on. Just 100% if you do it, 0% if you don't. To see where you're at.

There were about 14 different things they test you on. I got a 100& on like 10 of them! 67% on 3 and a 33% on one. The only the test told me i should brush up on, and work on was the 33% one! So I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. That's really exciting to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Change of Subject

So Cathlene works today 2-9p. I wasn't in the mood to be in the house all day so I decided to have her drop me off at this coffee shop we go to. It's ganna be a long time to be here. But i have a bunch of homework I could do. And I also have my lap top here as well. Besides that, I'ma call Cat later and she's ganna try to come and get me, and then I'll just hang out at her work (subway) for a while.

being social

The past week I've been in contact w/ people from a local church. About having a college age/ young adult group. They've had ppl. my age e mail me back and such. The college past e-mailed me today saying I was welcome to go to the college age group, but I might want to check out the Young adults group closer to my age. He sent an e-mail to some ppl who then got in touch w/ me. Tonight they girls were gathering together at Chili's restraunt then meeting up at one of the guys house to play games, where some of the other guys came as well. It was a fun night!! They were all sooo nice! And we had a blast.

Back home I was out almost each night of the week. Here the only friend I have is Cat so far. We are together a lot (which is fine and working out well!) And then when she's at work I'm just here in our room by myself in the evenings. So this was a good change of pace. And the great part is the church (and a lot of the ppl.) are from this town I'm in! Not one of the further ones.

It's 11:30pm though, and i'm tired. So i'm off to bed. Cat works 2-9 so we won't do anything tomorrow. I'll sleep in late (really late) and then do home work!

Much love to you all. miss you like crazy!

Similarities (please read the whole thing!!!!...)

Last nite I went to Celebrate Recovery. It is a Christ centered recovery program.

Back home at my AA meetings we used to say the Serenity Prayer. I took hold of it, and kept it as MINE! But I learned last nite that there is more to it! And now I love it even more! So I want to share it w/ you:(I will put a ~~ between what I knew and what I just learned.)
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisodom to know the difference.
~~~~~~~
Livine one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at at time
accepting hardship as a parthway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did
this sinful world as it is
not as i would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if i surrender to Your will;
so that I may reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen

As I'm sure you know, AA has 12 steps they go by, for recovery. So does C.R. BUT added to that is the Christian perspective! Each step has Bible verses to back it up! I want to share these w/ you also. Walk w/ me on my journey to recovery...
1) We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compusive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable. "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." Romans 7:18
2)We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. "for it is God who works in you to willa nd to act according to His good purpose" Phil 2:13
3)We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship. Rom 12:1
4)We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord " Lam 3:40
5) We admited to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. "therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed" James 5:16
6)We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up" James 4:10
7)We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" 1 John 1:9
8) We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. "Do to others as you would have them do to you" Luke 6:31
9) We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother: then come and offer your gift" Matt 5:23-24
10)We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. "so, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall" 1 Cor 10:12
11) We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry them out. "Let the word of Christ dwell inyou richly." Col 3:16
12)Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other and to practice these principles in all our affairs. "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." Gal 6:1

I'm not in Kansas anymore.

I'm getting used to Texas, don't get me wrong. And once I have a job and a place to live, it will be much better. But I really am not in kansas anymore. There's not much to do around here. And there's no grass, even though Cat assures me there will be in diff. seasons.

But I do like it, and I am content. I like all the mexican foods around! And loads of bb que pits! I think you should come and visit me. then it'll make it all better

Excitement in the air

Today I only have one class. Pschology. It's at 8am, and then I have the rest of the day off, this is on Mondays and Weds. Cat's still in classes until 12:15, so I'll normally be studing during that time. But today I had some things to get done.

I like my psych class. Cat had her last semester and said she's great. I think I might have a hard time though when it comes to grades. I'll just have to try my hardest. I talked to the Prof. after class to see how I should study. And she explained it to me, and also encouraged me to ask her questions whenever I had them. I am a bit nervous about my learning disability and this semester. When I was in 12th grade, I had the reading comprehension level of an 8th grader. So I really struggle w/ that. And sometimes it makes me frustrated, which just leads to this big ol' cycle of badness. So I'm glad I talked to her. History is one of my tough subjects. But I have a great teacher and I'm actually getting into it!! It's amazing how I hated it before, but how i'm enjoying what I'm learning right now.

I can't wait to go to Celebrate Recovery tonight!!!! I've been thinking about it all day. It's like a little kid who you tell "we're going to the beach this weekend" and they have no concept of time, and keep asking you when you're going. Haha. I realize how fun it is, though, to have that type of anxiousness. I can't wait!

I'm pretty tired right now. I had an aweful time getting up this morning! We ran late (Cat had a rough time too.) We always stop at her work (subway... they are open for breakfast, and have breakfast food.) to grab some soda or something on. And there is a convienence store right next to it. That's often our breakfast. So we both made it late to class. My teacher's ok w/ that. But Cat's teacher was NOT happy (or nice.) in any way about it.

Last nite cat and I went to this cute little coffee shop that we went to last week. It's right in town. I think it's called Texas Java?. It's a christian shop, they play christian music. I like it there, I get a lot of studying done while there. Well, I got a coffee w/ 90 decaf, and then a flavored coffee to fill it up. Cat got regular(no decaf coffee.) Somehow in our mix of books every where and coffee cups floating around, we mixed our cups. I can't sleep if I drink coffee too late. Welp, I ended up w/ hers! Go figure. I did take some of my sleeping pills, which helped! Before I had them, it was a disaster at nite after coffee!

C.R.

Back home there's this organization called Celebrate Recovery. It's kinda like Alcoholics Annonymous, but not. It's in a Christian perspective, and for much more than drinking. I never been to a meeting yet b/c of the days and times. I promised a dear friend of mine that I'd look into them when I got down here. So I found website looking them up in my area. There are two semi around. So I e-mailed the group leaders to see if there was anyone from my area that goes to them. And there is! She called me tonight and i'm going to one tomorrow!

This is good. b/c I feel a manic episode coming on. And that scares me. And besides that, It'll be nice to get out there and meet people.

feelin stressed

Today I was facebooking a friend and had a lot to say. B/c I guess I was doing a lot of thinking. Well, actually not. It's just one of those things where stuff just starts coming out.

I'm feeling a bit over whelmed right now. I have no idea where I'm ganna live in a month. I need a job to pay for rent. Hmm let's see. Just a lot. I just wonder why I'm here to go through alll this trouble.

I love school!! I remember sitting in one of my classes being like "this is great, i can do this. This feels natural." But I also have the thought, why am I going to college.Why has this been my dream, why am I doing all this.

I've been doing my h/w for social problems class. Read chapter 1. Well I have to say it took me forever! I read it, highlighted the key words in there, went back wrote the key words down. It took forever. Like 2 days. But that's how I'm ganna learn. I can't put less time in it. In fact, i should probably put more time into it.

Today I have to tackle English reading. Two chapters. and do an assignment. Got history out of hte way the other day.

I just broght all my stuff into the house from Cat's car. I have a lot of work to do w/ that too. I went through the tubs. The one has all the clothes I want. But I have to figure out where to put them and such. Oh the joys. Then I have all this stuff like candles and decorations that I brought w/ me, that I can't even use right now. It just makes me wonder what life's ganna be like for me in a few months. Will I have a place I call my own. Even if it's just a bedroom I rent from someone. Will I be able to unpack all my stuff? Can I have my million candles that I bought during Christmas out and about. Or did i bring this stuff (and myself?) down here for nothing. I have lots of what's/why's/ what if's going through my head. and I just want some answers.

Last nite Cat and I went to this really cute lil coffee shop to study. We were there for a while. 2 hours maybe? I got a lot done, but not enough. I hate the fact that I'm slower at reading and such. But I'm trying hard.

Today we went and picked up the rest of my stuff at the Kirk's house. They are soo sweet. They made us promise that we'd stop by to visit. They both told us how much they enjoyed us being around, and how nice we were, exc. They're a cute old couple!

Cat needed to collect some stagnant water for her Bio class. She had NO idea where! But they have a watering pond (the cows and donkeys use) and she asked if she could get some there. Mr. Kirk said yes. I asked if I could pet a cow (since they were up there) and he laughed and said no, but if one of the donkeys came over, I could pet one, just to stay from behind them or they might kick. There are two, mamma and a baby. I call them eeyor, and ej (eeyor jr.) Fun times.

We went to a flea market this after noon w/ Cat's grandma. We didn't get anything. But it was nice. We're staying in the rest of the day to do homework and such.

This whole process coming to, and being in Texas has ben a rough journey. But a journey none the less.

And through that, I've had other life changes. I'm missing one of my closest friends. We have apparently gone our own ways. Well, I've been forced to. I can't tell you how much this tears my heart. Oh how I wish something would stay stable in my life. I wish that the people I kept dear in my heart felt the same way.

I belive that our greatest gift is our greatest weakness. I care and love too much. It gets me into too much trouble. I wish that this were not my gifting.

oh, just typing

So I wonder how many people really read this? And if I'm waisting my time keeping it up? But I actually enjoy doing it anyway. It gets my feelings out. I guess I do it as much for myself as I do for anyone who might read it.

I called the temple college housing to see how long it would be till i mite get into an apt. They're not 100% pos, but around june-ish. I asked about appling to the regular TX. housing. Since I'm not working right now, that'd be about $50 a month. So Tue. i'm ganna call and see how soon I mite be able to get into that. The only problem is, you can't be on two lists at one time. So If I go on that list, I hope i'd get it by june. Other wise, I should stick w/ the T.C. housing. On Tues. when I call, I'll try and get some info.

I applied to Walmart on line, and sent my resume by e-mail to this other company I'm applying to. Please pray w/ me that I'll get a job, soon!

Busy Day

Today's going to be a busy day. Cat works at 4pm. We have to go to my old house and get my stuff, and bring it back here. We're stopping somewhere along the way to pick up an application. We also have to go to school to get another book. I dropped my Math class and picked up an on line English class. I'm a little nervous about the on line thing, but I think I can do it if I work at it.

So hopefully we get done what we need to. Since she has a small car, I don't think we're ganna get all my stuff today. But atleast we can get some of it.

friends

So I've been here a week now. Today makes it a week. It's hard being down here, only knowing one person, and not having a car. I was going to get a car w/ my financial aid, but that's not working out.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (past month or so) about friends in my life. I was talking to Cat about it. And we were talking about certain things. She allowed me to realize that some of my firendships are not friendships at all, but contracts. (It will work fine, if you do things my way.) And that's just not a friendship. I won't even have that type of relationship w/ my husband. Why on earth should I have it w/ my friends?

And I have to admit, it's been sad that people haven't tried to keep more in touch w/ me. I hate how making it to bed by a certain time is more important than talking to me for 5-10 minutes. I don't know. I feel like I have a lot to think about.

dont want to relive today!!

As you prolly know, I started college today. BUT and there is a big BUT! the financial aid office called me to tell me my loan and financial aid wasn't going thru. A couple months ago i put a forbeirance on my previous loans. apparently they didn't go thru all the way! and it's showing that i just didn't pay them, blah blah blah. So they're not allowing these loans and such to go thru now.

so i could see if i could make payment arrangements on college. But dk how i'd pay for all that. B/c these loans are what i was ganna use to pay rent/ get food exc. Now i have no means to live by.

am i supposed to come home now? I have no idea! I'm frustrated, upset, and just in shock not knowing what to do!..... AGAIN!

not in "Kansas" anymore!

My packages came today that I sent by mail. So Mrs. Kirk allowed me to use the golf cart to bring them to my trialer. She told me that there's a lil store down the road and that Golf Carts are allowed on the road here, so if i ever want to take it down there I could. hehe. that's sooo weird for me!!!! Not in kansas anymore toto!

church "shopping"... again

This isn't the first time that I've need to find a church home. I should be "used" to it. But it's never fun trying to find a church you fit. Church is a second family. And it's important.

Yesturday Cat and I went to the church who helped me find the place I'm staying at right now. It's a lutheran church. I don't know if ALL lutheran churches are close to Catholic, or just this one. But it does things simular. It's very ritualistic. The pastor is a woman. That is one thing I disagree on. But since she set me up w/ the Kirk family, I thought it only right to try her church.

I don't think they said one original prayer. They were all ones that we read together and such.

And the do communion every week. I don't necissarily think that's a bad thing. But I think it could become "too common." But they use real wine. No grape juice there. And even though it's only a tiny bit on a waffer, it's a problem for me. I don't want to get in the mind set "just a little is ok" and then have a drink somewhere, and then get back into that. I've already been struggling w/ the desire.

today

Today I just hung out a bit until Cat came and got me.

We went to her place, I met her grandma, and the two dogs!! One is a tiny chiuhah (how do u spell that!!) that fits in my hands!! And buddy, he's a beast of a small dog lol!!

We went to this shopping center. You'll be glad to know I didn't buy anything there. But we did go to walmart today. I bought school stuff, exc. the first time. And second time, food for my kitchen.

When Cat brought me home, she was about to leave and said "what's that" pointing in the direction of the cows, so naturally i said "cows". I told her to turn her high beams on. I wanted to see how close the cows got. Here, they were donkeys!!! two of them!!! This place just keeps getting better and better!

So we went over to talk to Mr. Kirk and Cat got to see the puppies. (we're not allowed to touch though.) We talked to him for quite a while. There's a dog here named opal. And she has a toung that's too long to fit in her mouth. So it's always sticking out!!! it's just tooo cute!

Oh yes, there are cat(s) here too. (naturally.) So far i know we have a rotweiler, hundreds of king charles cocker spaniels, 12 or so cows, a steer, and two donkeys. Here's my ranch!!!! God really does give us the desires of our heart. Not always how we expect, but he does do it!

Yeee Haw!!

I'm officially in Texas!!! My plane arrived around 6:30ish pm. (an hour early!!!!!!!!).

I have really bad ear problems. So when I fly, they pop a LOT and it gets Very painful to the point I'm almost always in tears!!! But I took some medicine that a friend told me about. And prayed prayed prayed! Don't ya know, that my ears barly did anything on the way up, and on the way down, I did have some pain, but it was manageable!!! Thank You Lord, for Your little blessings.

We got to my host families a little after 9pm. I'm living in a camper. It's reallllllllly nice! I have my own "apartment" :)

My host family lives on a ranch (or so i call it) they breed dogs(king charles spaniels), and have lots of them. And then they have about 12 cows and a steer!!!! I always said I wanted to marry a cow boy and live on a ranch! hehehe.

They have a guard dog, that is a Rotweiler. She said that Ellie is nice once she gets to know you. She said to walk up to her w/ your hand out so she can sniff you. And then she should be ok. Well, I was on the phone, and Ellie came up behind me, i didn't even know it! Until she started licking my hand!!! I guess I have a new friend. lol!!

Cat gets done work at 2p today. We're ganna grab some lunch, go to walmart, go to her house(i'm really excited about meeting Buddy, her dog!) And then IDK what else we're doing. I still have a LOT of unloading and situating to do. but i have loads of time to do all that lol.

Here it is

Today is the day. In 3 1/2 hours Rach and Court will be here to pick me up. I can't blelieve the time is finally here. The past two weeks seemed like months!

I didn't sleep well last nite. That's always the case for me, though. The nite before anything big, I'm always restless. It's been that way my whole life.

I have a lot of stuff going on the plane w/ me. I hope it all fits and they allow it. I guess I"ll find out.!! :)

My plane arrives in Austin at 7:30p. By the time I get my luggage it will be 8:30ish. Then we're looking at an hour- hour and a half drive to my new house. Oh yes, and we have to stop at walmart on the way home. I need to pick up breakfast food for tomorrow. And get necessities like toothbrush, shampoo, exc.

I hope you stay in touch w/ me. I will try my best to stay in touch. But please remember, it takes two.

Here I go!!!!!!

So w/ southwest airlines, you have to log in 24 hours or less before your flight, to reserve your seat. If you wait too long, the seats might be all taken! (even if you ordered it weeks ago!) So I sat here waiting on the computer for 4:05p (b/c that's when I leave tomorrow!) to sign in!!!!!!! Anddddd I got the ticket!!!!!!! My mom has an old dumb computer! I was affraid to use hers! But I couldn't use my lap top b/c it's not hooked up to the printer. And the end of the process you print out your boarding pass.

Soooooo tomorrow I'm off!!! Friends are picking me up around 12:30-1pm. And we're off to Philly! My flight leaves at 4pm! And I get into Austin Tx at 7:30 PM (8:30 our time!)


Yaaaaaa!!!

Soooo I have a LOT going on right now!!!!! Mostly good!

I leave tomorrow for Texas!! The time has come. Today I have to log on to reserve my seat. Please pray that it goes thru! (pray for my mom's old computer!!!! that it will let me, and i can print my ticket!)

Yesturday I was e-mailing nursing homes and such, for possible jobs. This one lady e-mailed me back, and we communicated back and forth. She asked for my resume. So last nite, I had to update it. I e-mailed it off to her! Hopefully Iwill get the job!!!!!!!!!! It sounds like I'll even have some social work responsibilities!!!!!!! And that's what I'm going to school for!

I talked to the housing place (on campus housing.) and I'm pretty much accepted. But I'm number 7 in line. So I prolly won't get anything till June ish. I wonder if I can stay w/ this family that long? If not, I'll have to find a place for a few months. (a lot of places need roommates, the the rent is about what I'd pay for the on campus housing.) So I mite be a roommate for a few months, but then I'd still want to move into my OWN place. :)

Today is a busy day. Finish packing. Neaten the stuff that's staying here at mom's house. Hopefully I pack everything that I need!!

Prayer requests:
-that mom's old computer will let me sign in today for my ticket, and let me print. This is a big prayer request!
-that i'll pack everything I intend to pack!
-Safe flight, and that the airline won't lose my luggage!
-A job (the one i've been talking to, perhaps?)
-A car ASAP down there.
-Housing, until my apt goes thru (maybe not till june?)
-Community w/ others.
-A church home

a working woman

Initially I was going to waite to find a job down there. But now I'm prolly going to start working right away. The lady who's house I'm going to be staying at gave me a suggestion of a place. And I also took time today to look up nursing homes, exc. i got an e-mail back already from one. And have to try and find my resume, or remake one for tomorrow. I'll send it to her on line.

Oh the day... :)

sooo today I went and mailed 6 peices of stuff to my new address in Texas. (at the couples house I"ll be staying at when i first get there. It went smoothly. Good to go. now it's just the waite. Thursday, here I come. Or there I go, rather!!! lol!

life amidst life

So I feel like i really have a lot going on right now. Today we're mailing my stuff by USPS. I'm still not done packing. and ya, just have a lot to do.

Then there's real life stuff going on as well. Ever stopped talking to a friend, but don't know why? The only thing you know is it involves avoidance. Ya that's what I'm going through right now. And I have to say it hurts. I guess I'm just confused. And being that i have all this TX stuff going on, it just seems over load. But this too shall pass. One way or another. It's deffinatly bringing me closer to God right now!!! And that's ALWAYS a good thing.

Oh the joys of life.............

not what i wanted

So tonite I began my Goodbye's. I didn't realize it was coming soooo soon. It was deffinatly a big hard for me. But I realized there are some rude ignorant people out there. People I just don't connect w/. Stiff and not caring or friendly. But ya know what, I need to just get over it, and be glad that they are not a part of my daily life. So these are my honest feelings.

Spoke to me! "my utmost for His highest!

Will You Go Out Without Knowing?
He went out, not knowing where he was going —Hebrews 11:8


Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don’t know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don’t know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. ". . . do not worry about your life . . . nor about the body . . ." (Luke 12:22). In other words, don’t worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do— He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?
Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.

here I go; Here I come!!.....

So the plane plans went through, and i'm off to Texas! I leave next thursday the 8th. Plane takes off at 4pm here and i get there at 7:30p.

oh the flight

Last nite Lauren and I were looking up the plane situation on line. Seeing which days/times I could fly. I was planning on the 5th. But it was going to be cheaper to go on the 7th or 8th. (by a LOT of money!) So we went to book it, but the site wouldn't let me!!! So i turned to her and said "there's no coincidance that God wouldn't let the car AND plane go thru!! She's ganna try today. And if it still didn't work, I know that's God's hand stopping it.

I had lots of emotions running through me last nite. I told God that no matter what He wanted, I would be ok with it. But the thought of staying here, sent tears to my eyes. I just kept praying that God would prepare my heart.

Staying here means a LOT more decision making and preparing.
I need to decide things like:
~do I stay w/ mom (which i really do NOT want to do.)
~look for another house/roommates
~stay at my job, look for something different (even though i love my job.)
And I'm sure there's so much more.